There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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