I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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