what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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