Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
