Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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