My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
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