I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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