So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
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Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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