Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
