In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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