i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
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You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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