1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
