He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
