Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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