I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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