Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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