: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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