is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
