omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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