During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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