The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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