i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
