Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
