The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
