Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
