I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
