Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
