I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
