we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
This house was built for laser tag.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
