Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Congratulations! We have a period
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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