I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
