A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
