Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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