so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
