So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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