btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
