I didn't shave. On purpose
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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