just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
cat food counts as protein by the way
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
