I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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