Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table