My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome