The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
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alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
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We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.