I'm drive I can fine osifer
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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