so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
