Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
