how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
