He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
