New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
