nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
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