I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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