I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
