I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
