I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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