its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
