They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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