If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
